Hawaii: Into The Unknown

On May of 2018 I was unexpectedly let go of my job. With plans to quit in September of that year, the new found freedom felt very much like a sign. Or more like a push unto the path I was actually meant to be taking. The first few weeks were strangely soothing. I no longer had to show up at a toxic environment ruled by narcissism and unapologetic hypocrisy. That in itself felt as though I had won a lifetime supply of Häagen-Dazs (which I didn’t, but man that would be amazing!). I had a blank canvas and could paint my life anyway I wanted to from now on.

First, I needed to come up with a new career path. Yoga had been an incredible healing tool (physically and mentally) through some very rough times. So I chose to share what yoga has taught me with others and finally decided to become a teacher and possibly travel the world while teaching. Looking up retreats, the one I found in Greece called out to me. That’s where the movie Mama Mia is based, so the decision was easy. I completed my month long training and returned home to LA. Still, with no clear idea of what to do next. To earn some extra money I rented my apartment on Airbnb. The tricky thing was, where would I stay? I had one of my best friend’s wedding coming up I had to find a way to stay in LA. Gladly I figured that out. But after the wedding, what? What came next changed my life forever.

Window seat view of our initial decent into Hawaii

On October 1st, I boarded a plane to Hawaii to volunteer at an Orchid Farm for two and a half weeks. All the while not knowing what I would do after my work at the farm ended. “Flying by the seat of my pants” (as my good friend Erica calls it). I landed in the big island of Hawaii, where I met some great people. Giving myself the freedom to say yes to adventure. Diving into the unknown, trusting everything would work itself out. It’s wasn’t an easy thing to do. We are taught to have a five, ten, year plan. Expected to fall in line with the rest of the world’s (patriarchal) timetable: college, job, husband, children, retirement.

It’s ok to want those things in that order. It is also ok to not. I still may or may not want some of those things, but I’ll decide that on my schedule. Choosing your own path is less accepted sometimes. Looking back at the last year of trying my best to trust the unclear and uncertain road, I wish I had done it earlier in my life. But I would have missed out on great friendships and loves I carry with me moving forward through more of this terra incognita.

The island of Hawaii helped me understand some very important things; to be myself no matter what, to let go of the fear of being vulnerable. If it rains, ok. If it’s sunny, ok. Enjoy every second with those around you regardless of the conditions. 

Never did I expect any of that to happen. I got on a plane to spend two and a half weeks somewhere, expecting to come back to LA. I did come back. Only to travel through California. Accompanied by a wonderful traveling partner, who still holds a very special place in my heart. Both of us on our way to the unmapped road. A pilgrimage that would lead me to where I am today.

As I settle in my new temporary home of Poland (of all places!), I look back at what started a year ago today. The tears, laughs, panic attacks and amazing experiences and I think to myself, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Do I now know where I’m going? No clue. What I do know, is that I trust the unknown completely. The possibilities are endless and the details will color themselves in eventually. 

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