I am not afraid anymore were the words I heard during meditation two days ago. Huh? What have I been afraid of? Given the situation I was meditating on. It all clicked together as if I was placing down the last piece of a big puzzle I’ve been trying to solve. An entire repertoire of mistakes, denials, fears and attachments became clearer. I wonder? Why don’t I just do magic mushrooms at least once? Get a full download of all this subconscious bullshit that blocks my inner peace. I guess that would take the joy out of experiencing A-HA moments like this from time to time (sigh). After the meditation I felt this rush of lightness, forgiveness and understanding. It felt really good to finally be able to say to myself, “I am no longer afraid to forgive you”. Forgiving myself first, for all those times I’ve been irresponsible towards others and towards my physical and mental body. Forgiving the people who hurt me. Being able to see that afraid little girl inside me still thinking she’s not good enough and tell her: “You are enough, you are loved, forgive them.” Letting go of a little bit more of the past (For reals this time!) and moving along the path of living a full wholehearted life.
In solitude I have found the journey to wholeheartedness quite enjoyable. Though I talk to myself aloud. A LOT. That’s normal, right? I ask questions and wait for my intuition to guide me towards the answers. Am I really happy here? Am I afraid of being completely vulnerable again? Should I say yes to that date? Do I really live by the philosophies I study and often talk about? Am I living my truth? What is my truth? See. This is why you need magic hallucinogens. Regardless, it has been a very interesting and eye opening experience. Things that would heavily trigger me before, now surface but with less intensity. I can recognize the triggers faster and I am able to soothe myself quicker with a breathing technique I have learned. Interrupting the mind and diverting my thinking towards a good feeling thought instead. For example: Feelings of unworthiness show up. Deep Breath…think of blue butterflies. Deep Breath…snoring hummingbirds (really, it’s a thing: https://youtu.be/_uEfmQt34Nc ). Deep Breath… handsome, tall, German man. Oh, whoopsie. Wrong mantra. I couple this breathing exercise with forgiving myself for the negative thought. We all have our wobbly moments, it’s natural. The ego becomes afraid you won’t have any use for his shenanigans anymore. He has to come and trip you over so you fall and get hurt.
I have to make one thing clear though. The point is not to go from negative to 100% positive. It doesn’t work that way. Think of it as going up the stairs. Every step you take is less negative than the previous one. Once at the top you’ll feel a little bit better. We have to be realistic. There is no fucking way we can remain positive all the goddamn time. Some days are better than others. Though the breathing technique is more of an Abraham Hicks exercise. This way of introspection would be; according to Brené Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, Guide post # 8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness and Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle. Utilizing the breath as a tool to acknowledge the anxiety and the patterns that lead us there.
The second component I have been simultaneously working on, is Guidepost # 2: Cultivating Self-Compassion and Letting Go of Perfectionism. Practicing self compassion allows me to go a bit deeper into my past. Exploring the misconceptions I have held about myself for a long time. Some part of me has always secretly thought I wasn’t good enough to deserve…(fill in the blanks). That I was imperfect or damaged in some way. Who do I think I am traveling the world, when my parents are still struggling? Who do I think I am not having a full time job and children? Isn’t that what I am supposed to be doing? I have to credit Oprah for helping me understand how I can switch this narrative. Discussing her “who do you think you are” shame trigger. She said in an interview with Brené Brown: “Now I work at being full. I want to be so full I am overflowing. So when you see me coming. It ought to make you proud….And what you see is a woman so full. I’m overflowing with enough to share with everybody.” (MIND BLOWN)
The road towards a wholehearted life is never ending. It is lifetime commitment I am making to seeking my truth with every fiber of my being. Allowing myself to feel full, worthy, loved, important to someone, important to me. Not afraid of forgiving and letting go. Not afraid of the shadows. Not afraid of moving forward. The lyrics to one of my favorite songs (Crystals by Monsters and Men) comes to mind. “But I’m ok. In see-through skin. I forgive what is within. Because I’m in this house. I’m in this home. All my time.” Time. I will try to make the most of it. As I walk up to open the doors and take the stairs to the English school I now work at. I noticed the sign for the school: “Progress”. Yes. Progress, Universe. Thank you.
Brené Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living (An Actionable Guide): https://mindfulambition.net/wholehearted-living/
Full Interview: Living Brave with Brené Brown and Oprah Winfrey
My Short (Cathartic) Playlist: